Lost Love

“I don’t love you the way I did some weeks ago that's true.” Marinha typed her message.

“I’ve kinda had this feeling… and was having the fear that I‘d lose you soon” Stephen replied with a heavy heart.

“But….… I don’t mean…”

“Ok, things aren’t going fine and this distance isn’t helping us either. Lets end every hope but lets be friends”

“Ummmm… I mean I didn’t stop loving you and you're saying: ok now friends”

“....coz I know its decreasing... why would you spare little love for me?”

“Coz I know how good it was before. And I still wanna hold you”

“Dear, I know it’s troubling you now. But soon things will be fine. And moreover, I promise you I will always be there for you whenever you want me. It’s being really hard for me, but still I want things to be the way it makes you happy. And in your happiness I will find happiness for me. Soon you will find someone much better than me. Don’t spare little love for me. Give all your love to him and I’m sure he will give u all his love. Just in case he doesn’t, I will make sure to kick his ass :P “

“Life sucks L one time it gave us everything and the now it’s taking it back”

“Comn’ buddy don’t say that. I am sure it will give you enough happiness soon”

“Beeep!!!!”

Stephen came back to reality.

“This is your captain speaking. We are flying through turbulent weather. All passengers are requested to put on their seat belt. Thank You.”

Stephen checked his seat belt. It was fine. He was travelling; a journey, which he had waited for the last two years and had saved every penny to make it true. He gave a sigh and a fully content smile. Stephen had meet Marinha at some friend-gatherings. She was not strikingly beautiful, and he knew that, but he had since then known she had a heart as big as the sky and a mind as clean as that of a child. She had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. He loved the way she lived her life – simple yet contented – and enjoyed every moment to the fullest. Let me think of now, rest of the things ‘I will do it tomorrow’.

“Buddy I’m going for a cigarette break. I guess I really need it now” Stephen typed.

“I wish I had some cigarettes with me now. Ok dear go..but don’t inhale all the smoke” Marinha replied.

“Yeah buddy…. I really need to get rid of this habit”

“J You can do it…“

Stephen walked out to the balcony. It was a cold November night. It had just stopped raining. He remembered ‘November Rain’ by GNR. ‘..nothing lasts for ever, even the cold November rain’. He lit a cigarette and sat on the chair. He was feeling bad, his head spinning like hell and heart beating with rage. The cigarette burnt out. He lit up next one and dialed Marinha’s number. He had no guts to call and cancelled. But only he knew how much he wanted to hear her voice right then. He took a deep breath and called the number. He had no words to speak. Marinha started to cry. He couldn’t stop himself. No words were exchanged, just some sobbing. He hung up after 5 minutes. The cigarette was almost burnt to the filter. He threw it and stepped on it. And then one more. All the Love turned into smoke and vanished and dreams into ashes.

“Marinha, aren’t you going to sleep? I know you have an important work to finish tomorrow.”

“I’m not feeling like sleeping. And you know I can work even without sleeping all night.”

“Yeah buddy..but still I feel so bad that I spoilt your night.”

“Comn’ dear it’s not you but me who spoilt everything. I feel so sad but I never meant to hurt you and make you cry. I am so sorry. How can I ask for forgiveness?”

“Buddy!!! We are good friends, remember… we are good friends… and there is no sorry and thanks between friends. Above all there is nothing to feel sorry. It had to happen anyway. It was my stupidity to never think LOVE wouldn’t work across distance.”

“I know you are saying this to make me feel better. But still I feel so empty.”

“Buddy I will tell you tonight one of my own beliefs. Philosophy of Heart.”

“I knew only anatomy of heart. Philosophy of Heart? And that too by someone who loves me so much?  I will be blessed to hear that dear.”

“Have you ever thought why human heart is four chambered?”

“Ummm.. acutally not.”

“I believe something like this. Humans are so emotional and LOVE is really important for them and LOVE comes from the heart. We are surrounded by so many people with whom we share different kind of relations. And for each case we LOVE and seek LOVE equally but in different form. The four chambers are for Dad, Mum, and relatives; siblings and kids; friends and Lover. For each of them we have LOVE and when we get all these forms of LOVE we become so happy and see the true colors of life”

“I kinda agree with you…”

“Now that we have decided to move ourselves from each other’s chamber of Love to chamber of friends, it’s normal for us to feel Empty.”

“I didn’t say that I have moved you out yet… :S”

“J kick me out buddy..kick me out..you need to make space for someone new.”

“Damn u dear, don’t be so harsh. Listen when I will tell you this: even if I find someone else, he needs to share the same space with you. I know I loved you much more than anyone else before and the space for you in my heart will never change”

“I may not have been a good lover, but you have given me so much of happiness and a pure love that will last with me forever. And the space that you have given me, I feel like I am blessed. I pray to god, may he send you the best sweetheart in the world.”

“I don’t need any lover, instead I will pray to him to send me people like you: a lover, a friend and someone whom I can always place in my heart.”

“Beeep!!!!”

 “This is your captain. We are about to reach our destination. I request all passengers to put on their seatbelt and keep their seat straight. Hope you had a nice flight. Cabin crew prepare for landing. Thank you!!”

Stephen straightened his seat and looked out of the window. There was a rush of blood throughout his body. He was happy, a happiness that he had found after a long time, all from the heart when the mind was still.

After some days of the cold November night Marinha had decided to never talk and meet with Stephen again. He had lost everything, even the friendship which he longed for so much. He knew he had made mistakes and hurt her, but still some questions had troubled him all this time and he had decided never to seek answers to them. Often his mind cried out desperately in times of solitude. It posed intense questions that demanded answers .Yet there were none to be found. So, he let them rest in the silent limbo of the past. Only he knew what the loss meant to him, others could not understand him and neither did they try. The aftermath of loss, the crumbs of memory and the spell of words had scarred him much more than the loss itself.

A lot of things changed with Stephen since he lost his Love for ever, in all possible forms. He was no more the cheerful, social, humorous young lad, but rather he had decided to live a more solitary life. Above all he befriended loneliness, the thing that used to trouble him the most in the past. He learnt to speak, laugh and sing with himself. He found someone whom he can befriend forever without any fear of loosing – himself, his soul and his shadow. Once he wrote the following lines and pasted on his wall, which brought him smile most of the time, sometimes intermingled with tears.

My ears listen earnestly in times of silence.

They search for familiar sounds to comfort and console.

Yet they cannot penetrate the darkness that surrounds me.

And in that darkness, I find myself to always befriend me.

My arms reach out frantically in times of despair.

They seek strength and compassion to enfold me.

Yet they find nothing substantial to enwrap

But my own soul listening for cries to swap.

Stephen looked out of the window. The plane was taxing, moving to the exact place to stop. He took a long breath. It was a nice day, with the summer sun spreading all its warmth. He remembered one of his favorite numbers by Pete Doherty–

………

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when,
But I know we'll meet again, some sunny day…….

He was not sure how things would turn. He was not even sure if he would get to meet Marinha. But his heart was happy. He was contented to be to a place which once gave him so much of happiness and bliss. He only wished to meet her, sing and dance with her, and share some uncontrollable laughs. In the end, say goodbye with tears out of joy – joy of seeing the happiness and smiles of someone whom his heart would cuddle for rest of his life.